Monday night I had a nightmare. I dreamt that I was dying. I saw a doctor who told me I was dying for some unknown reason, and he gave me a pill and told me that after I took it, I would die. The day came to take the pill and I took it. I spent time with someone I am pretty sure was my lover, talking about my life and trying to figure all this out. Mostly I was just terrified to die and missing everyone already. My real heart pounded for what felt like the whole night as I waited and waited to die, but I didn't wake up because I wanted to know what would happen. I didn't die, but for some reason, when I talk about the dream, I keep wanting to say that I dreamt that I died.
As a child, I had nightmares that people close to me died, but I don't think I've ever had such a nightmare about myself. Then again, it does seem familiar. At any rate, I think I know where it's all coming from. I am so afraid of the future. Another facet of my indecisiveness is that I am so afraid of making the wrong decision that I fail to make it altogether. Right now I am trying to decide what to do when I leave Japan and it's truly terrifying.
I spent a lot of time trying to do all the things I should do in high school and for the first part of undergrad. Even with coming to Japan, I spent more time enthusing about what a good plan it was than I did enthusing about actually going to Japan. My disappointment in my current job largely reflects that misguided perspective. Now I am trying to let myself do what I want to do and what I am best suited to do, but I can't figure out what that is.
Part of my problem is all the fear I have that I am going to fail. I have spent a good deal of my life protecting myself by not risking anything; school was easy for me because I was confident that I wouldn't fail. I stayed away from the cool kids because I knew I couldn't compete, and I focused on classes instead of sports. It was easy to pick a path like college prep and stick to it regardless of the outcome because then I could avoid thinking and feeling responsible for my choices. Besides that, it really wasn't a bad idea--all the possible outcomes of college prep still allowed me to do things I wanted to do: my high school experience paved my way into a good school to study interesting things--it did not, however, dictate the specifics of my life for a large swath of my future, as my current choices have the potential to do. Even now, my job is largely an escape from having to decide.
Now that there is no one grading me, I feel compelled to grade myself, and I have always been hard on myself. Plus, it's easy to read a book and regurgitate facts, or even to analyze all the hard work some other anthropologist has done and incorporate it into my anthropological paradigm. But part of the reason I am so wary of grad school is that I am terrified to have to do all that research myself. Research has always scared me; that's why I left biology. The thought of having to choose a specialization and then go somewhere for 2 years and record conversations with people and then come up with some deep understanding of their emic seems impossible to me. Hell, I can't get through an ethnology I'm interested in without falling asleep a few times. How would I have the motivation to complete a master's or PHD?
I suppose that's what it all comes down to: I am unmotivated to do anything that's too hard because it's easier and less risky to sit on my ass and think about it in my head. I love to think and organize, but I hate to do. Myers-Briggs says I am good at planning but that I seldom carry the plans to fruition. What I want to know is, how do I change that?
The other side of the problem is that if I pick a career where I don't have to do all that work and make all those difficult decisions, then I feel as though it is unfulfilling. For example, I love love love clothing design, but I feel like becoming a designer would tell the world that I had failed to do anything more sophisticated than make pretty clothes. The same goes for teaching and web design--they're both things I enjoy and feel capable of doing, but I would feel like a slacker for doing them. The problem is that I've been conditioned to think that academia is the height of accomplishment, and that's a tough judgement to fight.
Another big issue is money--I feel like my education tricked me into getting caught up in our ass economy, earning and spending all the day long because it's the only way to have health insurance, pay student loans, and get the finances to do all those fun things I want to do. But doing what I enjoy won't necessarily allow me to do that vital earning and spending. It's practically a given in America that people, especially successful people, will hate their jobs. Bitching about your job is a favorite pastime here. Now we're talking utter confusion: we're encouraged to do something that makes us happy, but then restrictions and values are placed on what choices we can make. It's a double standard.
Getting back to the dream, I think all of this has an added sense of urgency because now that I really enjoy living, I don't ever want to stop! I know/hope that my death is a long way off, but I still feel like there are so many things I want to accomplish and how can I possibly accomplish them all? I have to think about whether or not I want a family, since that would get in my way but could be a valuable experience in itself. I know that the family decision is a long way off, but if I don't plan for it now, I won't have done all the fun things I want to do before settling down and I won't be ready for it. It's also important to determine what things I can do later in life, and what things I won't regret not doing. I don't want to miss out on anything.
Maybe I would be better off in a situation where I didn't have a choice, one in which I had to work work work to survive.
My friends have all advised me to make a list of all the things I want to do in my life and then prioritize, so here goes:
Things I want to do (sublists indicate possibilities for accomplishing them):
Ok, there it is. And this doesn't include the half a million tiny ideas that jump into my head on a daily basis. I almost took choral singing off, except that it definitely needs to be a part of my life. I don't think it will ever be a career, but I need to find a way to get involved in something other than a church choir. I miss singing desperately. Another thing I think about is whether I want to live in America or abroad, but I think that can be safely put off until later.
OK, teacher next to me: stop sniffing and go blow your goddamn nose already!
Alright, I need some time to think about prioritization. It's enough that I've made the list today...
After a rough week, I headed east to the Geisei mountain house party on Saturday afternoon. This party was quite a bit smaller than usual, but I am pretty sure that's a good change. I hung out and talked to people, danced a bit, drank sparkly wine--all in all, a good time. I enjoyed another long chat with James and a lovely moonlit walk. It's funny; I used to be terrified of walking in the wilderness at nighttime. But since I came to Japan, I've found that a lot of that fear, along with other, similar fears, has disappeared. Not sure how that happened, but it's a nice change.
Last weekend, I drove up to Motoyama for Karen's Mexican dinner party. It was fabulous! Karen's friends Kazumi and Tony came, as did Andrea, Kelly, and James. This was my first time meeting Kazumi and Tony, and they are hilarious. I'd met James before, but hadn't had much of a chance to chat unless you count drunken French. He is a funny and very interesting person and talking with him brought up a lot of things I hadn't thought about in a while, and a lot of things I had thought too much about. I have a hunch he will turn out to be a good friend.
One of the nice things about living alone is that I get to remake myself. I keep going over the things that I want to change about myself and I try to make those changes happen. I've been surprized to find out that it takes a long time to change. It's difficult, especially because one of the bad things about living alone is the tendency toward self-indulgence.
One of the things I have been working on is my indecisiveness. When people list my negatives, indecisiveness is almost always in there. My Myers-Briggs test, hell, even my horoscope tells me that I'm too indecisive. I asked a psychologist at the Recontracting Conference what would cause me to have so many problems deciding. He said that without knowing more about my situation, his guess would be that either I'm under too much pressure to make decisions quickly or that I'm somehow impairing my own ability to make decisions--that I'm not letting myself decide. I found these to be interesting insights, and I tried to consider them whenever I had a difficult time deciding. But I think I've finally realized what my problem really is: I like making decisions. Not that I enjoy the decision itself--I mean that I enjoy the process of listing all the pros and cons and weighing both sides in various lights. Once the decision is finished, so is the deciding, and that's no fun. I'm not sure what this says about my life yet, or what it means for my future, but I feel like it's a good start.
We had lots of yummy Mexican food at Karen's house, and the next day we went to the Coffee Witch for breaklunch, shopping at Maruni (a home store), and for a walk along the dam. One of the funniest parts of the whole day was when we left James to walk home and went to drop off Karen's enormous plastic drawers of doom at her house. James had been telling us about how he spent a lot of free time just helping little obachans in his village and playing with little kids. Well, when we went to pick him up after dropping off the drawers, we couldn't find him. I said to Karen, "Yeah, that guy's a real boy scout (not the anti-gay kind). I bet he's helping some old lady carry her groceries." We finally found him near Karen's house, after driving the same damn stretch of road like 143 times. "So, where the hell did you go, James?"
"Oh, sorry! I was moving sandbags for this old man..."
No fucking kidding.
The dam was beautiful and I took tons of pictures. I really love infrastructure for some reason. All those cables and metal bars all over blue sky and white puff clouds--it's delicious. I love tunnels and bridges, too. Especially, I like the way that strange amber light plays across the shadows in my car when I drive through tunnels.
In general, I find it hard to keep myself from taking pictures. I love to record things, though I find it hard to capture the beauty I see all around me. As an adolescent, I complained that the world had lost its color and that I could see no beauty anymore. Part of it, in hindsight, was that I needed glasses. But that wasn't even the half of it. The hardest part was that I struggled to cling to childhood places and feelings that had been a source of stability in my swiftly turning world. I wanted to see through the eyes of a child to find beauty again, but I soon began to realize that a child's eyes couldn't see the things that mattered to me as a young adult. There was never any stability to be lost--the change was simply in my perspective. As I went through college and grew and discovered and traveled, I began to treasure all these little tiny things. Everyday things. They are the most ephemeral things because no one will record them, and it's their fleeting nature that makes them beautiful to me. Rather than seeing through the eyes of a child, I think my filter has become that of an archaeologist who has gone back in time; I choose the things that can't or won't be preserved because everyone assumes they will be commonplace forever. These are the things that hold the key to understanding our context--to reaching empathy--and THAT's beauty.
Ok, I have a confession to make. I was so happy that Combustible Orange started updating again that I made them fan art. That would be fine except that I'm retarded when it comes to making picture type art that's more complicated than adding text to a photo. So I had an idea. They were bitching about people who bitch about their site, so I thought I would take a picture of myself with a sign that said something like "Combustible Orange is awesome, what the hell is wrong with you?" You know, like those "I'm Sorry" sites (Which I absolutely refuse to link to; I am not sorry that I voted, dammit!). Then I thought, on the off-chance that they posted it, I'd be embarrassed to have a picture of my crazy ass on their site. So I did the next best thing. I used the Bust Pudding girl as my proxy and gimped her. Much to my amazement, they posted it under fan art. "Who the hell is this Bust Pudding girl?" you ask. Funny you should ask.
To reiterate, you really should check out Combustible Orange if you haven't already.
Last night we had another mini party for Annette after the Speech Contest. The contest was awesome--one of my students gave a beautiful performance of Annabelle Lee by Edgar Allen Poe.
Today we had a festival at Kubokawa, and I got to walk around and eat lots of yummy food the students made, play games, take pictures, and buy things. I also went through their haunted house, which was cool. They put this weird gel stuff in plastic bags and spread it flat, then taped the bags to the floor so we'd walk across the smooshy gel in the darkness. We had to go in without our shoes on--it was so creepy!
Sadly, I won't be able to post this weekend since I forgot to get my 'puter from Shimanto after the contest. Karen is having a dinner party tonight, so you know where I'll be...
Last night Annette came over and we went out to dinner for her birthday, which is actually today. Then we watched Bad Boys 2 at my place, one of her new bday DVDs. It's been a long time since I've watched a movie full of gratuitous violence and bad comic relief. I find that it was just what I needed in a couple of ways. No, don't groan yet, hear me out. Ok, gratuitous violence and suspense is wonderful when balanced with characters I couldn't really give a rat's ass about. This film was full of cheesy bad guys, which serve to make movies like The Big Lebowski even funnier. Plus, seeing Will Smith bust out of a KKK costume, the pool breaking twice, Martin Lawrence in general--I could almost hear Aaron McGruder groan. Plus, it had that guy from Snatch.
While I was browsing Amazon, I found the Amazon Theater. It's basically an attempt by Amazon to look all mom-and-pop artsy-fartsy while slyly sneaking in product placements and advertising. Plus, the shorts just look cheesy as all get out. I can't watch them now because I'm at work, but I'm curious to see just what the hell they think they're doing.
I had a wonderful class with the 2-3 homeroom today, even with my horrible sore throat. Sometimes I go into that class and I get all animated and quirky and funny, making little sound effects to go with their little triumphant answers and jumping around the front of the room and then I turn around and the WHOLE CLASS is asleep. I would even welcome a few blank stares, but the sleep....the sleep is tough. So today I tried talking a little with the intent to turn the class over to the JTE once the game was done. But once I started, I couldn't stop. They were amazing. Every one of the students were looking at me, and had their books open, they were answering questions--I couldn't keep some of them quiet! It was like someone had threatened to take away their cell phones or Louis Vuitton wallets if they didn't LEARN ENGLISH NOW! So I just went along with it and taught the whole dern lesson in English. Damn I love me a good class.
It seems that no matter what time I arrive at the station in relation to the train time, the woman at the ticket booth always tells me that there is no time. She uses the exact same expression without fail. Today, I was too late to buy a ticket from her and had to just jump on the train and guess what she said. "There is no time." Well, damn.
In Japan, it is rude to eat in public, but one can often get away with snacks. On the train to Kubokawa, there is one other person besides me who ever eats on the train, and she's a student of mine. Whenever we're both eating at the same time, tonight it was ice cream (me) and Toppo (her), we exchange glances that say, we're sharing the forbidden fruit, and damn is it ever tasty.
In spite of a lazyish weekend at home, I have failed to post. There is good reason for this. I have been cleaning house in a number of ways: cleaning my actual house, working on converting Sarcenet.org over to a blog program so I can do all those things I eventually want to code on my own NOW, and faffing. Like a mofo. So, I am going to bed now, but be on the lookout for some exciting changes here such as integrated comments, photos, and an RSS feed. Sleep tight!
I was always so impatient at the archaeological sites we visited in Greece. I got tired of staring at the same piece of rock for 15 minutes while the self-righteous history professor blustered on about which archaeologists were full of shit about this one guy back in the day who carved an elbow for the Parthenon. Instead, I left the group and wandered through the sites on my own, paying attention to the things that were important to me. One day, we visited a site placed on the greenest foothills I have ever seen; I believe it was Orchomenos in Bioitia. I gazed through the bus window at smooth, alien rocks peeking out of the green green hills like exposed vertebra. The sky was somehow higher and more familiar in this place. All the vivid colors of grass and sky and cloud--the world seemed more real than it had seemed in a long time to me. I made my usual cursory appearance in the group tour and took off on my own. Bricks and tools and blah blah blah. Finally the group started up a steep hill to look at a cistern. I followed and spent my time discovering little treats about the slope: bits of curious foundation here and there, an interesting looking path. Then I turned my attention out on the vast Hellas landscape. I caught my breath in awe. The living green hills went on forever and the clouds! As my eyes were flooded with color, I was filled with more beauty than I had ever felt in my life. For once, I had looked at something and seen only it. My self-awareness was obliterated. I had no vanity, no being but to live this beauty and breathe it and be overwhelmed by it. Tears welled up in my eyes because my body could find no other way to express the sheer joy. I became beautiful because of what I saw and felt and not because of my flesh.
Is it just me or are the new google links in the definitions at Wordreference more of a hindrance than a help? I've had a much harder time finding what I need since they started that business, and I am wondering if they've removed any content as a part of the change...
As an update to yesterday's post on the election, I have re-posted the same at Stupid Evil Bastard as a comment. Thanks for having such a great site, Les.
I woke up absolutely exhausted this morning after yesterday's wild rompus along the Shimanto River. I am SO lucky I woke up in time for my stop on the way home. Delightfully, I find this evening that I am number two in the Google search for Crackwhore Musketeers.
I would like to share a little bit of my barely used speech with y'all. Constructive, well-reasoned criticism is totally welcome. The title refers to the internal struggle undertaken by Americans of all persuasions during this campaign to mediate their fear with reason and factuality. I am not posting it all since I am not really happy with all of it, but this is the second half. The first part of the speech attempts to create empathy with Americans of various political views, and with the experience of 9/11. Keep in mind that I am trying to describe the context of this recent election to people who may have never been to America. The two sides I refer to at the beginning are very generally the strong liberal and the strong conservative viewpoints. I want to thank everyone who contributed to this discussion, both actively and without ever knowing.
While most Americans were some variable combination of these two sides, as with many arguments in America, the huge variety of opinions was unfortunately condensed in the public arena quite sloppily into 2 large sides: the emotional and the rational. The problem is that there’s no way to truly mediate the two. Thus, the two sides argued and accused and failed to find a middle ground and the result was another very close, exhausting election that has left everyone feeling uncertain.
I experienced this estrangement myself. In addition to my absentee ballot, I received 4 fliers from Republican candidates, including a message from the whole party encouraging me to vote Republican and a pseudo-personal letter from Deborah Pryce. I received nothing from the Democratic candidates, and that is how most of the election went.
This campaign brought with it a difficult challenge for the Democrats. Their candidate faced not only an opposing political platform, but also an ingrained fear and a very subconscious sense of comfort and protection. Unfortunately for them, the Democrats failed to build a sufficiently better structure of comfort and protection, they failed to address many of their supporters’ concerns, they failed to provide a charismatic banner under which liberals and moderates from both parties could rally, and thus they failed to win the election.
Despite being what I perceived as a strong, moderate candidate, Kerry appeared to constantly change his mind throughout the campaign. To be fair, he had to hover in the middle—the Democrats chose a wimpy candidate because they were too afraid that a real liberal wouldn’t protect them. They were also afraid that most other Americans would feel the same way and thus not vote Democratic.
From the other side, Bush made several moves to gain the vote of the religious right. The moderate Republicans went along with him because it promised to keep them in office and because they were just as afraid that a true liberal wouldn’t protect them. Far from seeing Kerry as a shining savior, Americans from all political associations felt that neither choice was a good one and that they were left to choose between the lesser of two evils.
Thus, the campaigning continued, Bush pandering to the religious right with promises of ultra-conservative legislation, Kerry playing as many sides as possible to try and win them all. Then something completely unrelated to Iraq and Osama bin Laden and all the international issues appeared: gay marriage. While it seemed to be an obscure and unimportant issue from the foreign perspective, gay marriage was another violently divisive issue inside America. Whether their states presented legislation on it or not, many people felt so strongly against gay marriage that they voted for anti-gay Bush even if they disagreed with his actions in Iraq—many of them voted for Bush even though they wouldn’t normally have voted at all. Others were so strongly for gay marriage that it eclipsed their feelings on Iraq and terrorism and led them to vote for Kerry. Throw in the complete ignorance regarding 9/11 and Iraq of half of the American public and you have a toss up.
So Bush is now the President of the United States of America, and this time it’s not contested. I can't and won’t apologize for my country—I voted my vote and in the end, that’s all any of us can do. While I fear that we may see a nastier side of Bush in the coming four years, I still believe strongly that enough Americans will try their best to make the government do what is necessary to protect both our civil liberties and those of everyone around the world. As Americans, all we can do is look forward with conscience and determination and work for a better government. I want to implore the international community to support us in this difficult task ahead—to support us with criticism, understanding, and faith. Now, more than ever, is the test of our democracy, and it is a trial by fire.
Well, maybe a light breeze anyway. I ran 7 km in 45:20 today, which doesn't sound like much, but I did place 16th in a group of about 80 girls all between 7 and 9 years younger than me. So I feel pretty good about that.
The speech I was supposed to give on Saturday turned out to be a discussion. God I wish wish wish that my JTE had explained that before I did all that work! I mean, it was nice to have my thoughts organized, but some sleep would have been nicer. I even wore a suit! Grr, translation woes. Anyway, the discussion turned out to be really fun. We talked a lot about the election and the issues surrounding it. One thing that surprized me is that Bush even has aware liberals in Japan confused on the whole terror/Iraq thing. I didn't confront them on it because I was just happy to see Japanese people sharing their thoughts and opinions--usually an impossible goal. But they really thought that Bush went to Iraq because of 9/11. Not that he gave that unfounded reason to the American public, but that that was his actual reason. Anyway, we had a great time discussing and it has become apparent that one of my JTEs is a communist.
After the meeting we had a drinking party at this "Kyuushu-style nabe restaurant". I thought I would have an easy time there--nabe means soup, so everything is cooked and there are usually lots of nummy veggies. But when we arrived, they were serving up sashimi, katsuo tataki, fried pig ear cartilage with green beans and mushrooms (nasty ASS), and CHICKEN FUCKING TATAKI! For those of you not wise to the ways of Japanese food, tataki is meat of some kind, usually fish or beef, that has been cooked around the edges but is still raw on the inside. This is fine for fish and beef, but CHICKEN? Why not just serve me a petri dish full of salmonella to lick! When people finally noticed that I wasn't eating much and was getting drunk way too quickly, they started ordering fried things. Clearly, more fried things is always the solution to the foreigner. So on came the fried chicken, except that most of what I got was gristle, *vomit*. After that was tamago yaki, which roughly equates to scrambled eggs. I think it's safe to say that about half of one plate went into my mouth. Then, of all things, they finally order a freaking nabe! Rah!
Dinner aside, I had a really great time chatting with a biology teacher, who is also the head of the teacher's union. Once we discovered a shared love of physical and cultural anthropology, we couldn't stop talking about how awesome humans are and how we are really all the same and how beautiful that is. That really simplifies the discussion in a way that does not please me. Let me add some details: most of this discussion took place in Japanese, which I only sort of speak. Thus, understanding brought an inordinate amount of satisfaction. Additionally, I was heading into a nice, big glass of shochu, and that does a lot to make everything wonderful and exciting. So everytime I could understand something he was trying to communicate and found myself reliving Physanth 101, I felt a surge of joy. If random biology teachers half way across the world from my own home can articulate in earnestness the same beautiful truths I cherish in my heart, then I know that the world will be alright.
The other guy I chatted with was really drunk and kept telling me about how much he likes classical music. He wanted me to come drink with him and listen to classical music. Wow.
After dinner we went to another place to order more food and drinks. I was so exhausted by this point that I didn't make much conversation, but I did accomplish a few feats of gaijin greatness. I taught my JTE and the gals on either side of him about the phrase "shut your piehole". Amusingly enough, he does not remember the phrase at all despite claims to sobriety. I also learned how to pull this one kind of shellfish out of its shell and eat it. I had to close my eyes before putting it in my mouth because it was so revolting. I also had ice cream, yum.
I am exhausted. I spent the day at an English Camp in Ogata with junior high school students. They are CRAZY. Now I am busy as a bee writing my speech for tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Today was fairly uneventful, though I must say that defeat sucks and I hope that Bush proves me wrong. After being asked by a coworker why Ohio voted for Bush, I realized that I have my work cut out here in terms of representing the political diversity in America. We shall see how the speech goes on Saturday.
On the lighter side, my grandma sent me the absolute CUTEST PJs in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. What can be wrong in the world when you have good PJs? Nothing, I tell you. Absolutely NOTHING. Of course, I am a bit weirded out by the old man sweat pants I bought at Sunshine. They were cheap and are very warm, but they have like 4 extra inches in the crotch and a big ol' zipper. It's an elastic waist; who needs a zipper? It ain't THAT hard to whip it out of elastic pants, and who wants the danger of zipping yourself into your pants? Dude!
Yesterday on the train ride home from Kubokawa, this woman randomly gave me tissues and cookies. I don't quite know why, although I suspect she was at first disgusted by my use of a handkerchief and decided I needed conversion to the church of tissues and killing lots of trees. She waited until I was all nice and comfy and falling asleep and then tapped me on the shoulder and pressed tissues into my hand. Then she waited until I was all nice and comfy again and did the same with a bag of cookies. If people gave me food on the train in America, I wouldn't eat it. But I feel safe doing so here--things like this happen all the time. Tasty cookies. Crazy world.
I spent most of today sitting on my butt following the election coverage from various sources. I barely had the oomph to go for a run, but I did it anyway and now I am narrowly avoiding eating a whole bag of yummy chocolate-covered raisins. No, running does NOT justify snacking! GAH!
Come on, Ohio! You know all those uncounted provisionals should go to Kerry! *Fingers are crossed*
Today is election day! I think I will celebrate by staying up late, watching Sex and the City, and checking the news repeatedly. Make sure you get out there and vote!!
Apologies for the week-long hiatus. I was busy making Halloween costumes and watching the first DVD of the second season of Sex and the City. I would never have believed that I would end up watching Sex and the City EVER, but it is strangely addictive.
I finally beat my PVC vinyl garbage bag into submission after buying a sewing machine in the city (2 hours away!), discovering that the machine did not work properly, freaking out (TM), discovering that the machine does, in fact, work properly, and then sewing like a mad, mad motherfucker.
On Saturday, Paige and I trekked over to the city, picking up Angela and Antony along the way and stopping at a couple of hyaku-en (100 yen) shops for makeup and, in Antony's case, a costume. Antony, you are now irrevocably the hyaku-en pirate (besides pimp daddy). After a tasty Indian curry dinner at Masala, we got into our costumes and headed over to Hirome Ichiban for their annual Halloween party. It was absolutely the best party I have been to in a long time and I had so much fun seeing everyone's costumes! I won first place in women's costumes, taking home a nifty 5000 yen!!
